clandestinity

The scar is real

2009-10-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

I need an avenue, to rave, to rant, to lash, to sob, to wallow myself in self pity. And the only reason why I'd reveal this personal stuff onto this not-so-personal space is because Ive the tendency to misplace my things, even stuff as impt as my diary. And of cuz, assuming that no one comes here anymore(at all).

Even though 09 havent end, I wish I could just end it right here and start afresh, 2010 anytime baby!! (Yes, it's so bad) 2009 IS NOT A GOOD YEAR This year is more of a rollarcoaster than a merry-go-round. Too many happenings, too much drama. Really, I've learnt to expect the unexpected.

Relationships aside, I think mostly at this time, is about you. You appeared, and brought along this whole emotional baggage on us. What gives you the right, to appear as and when you like? What gives you the right, to turn our lives upside down all over again? For years, all of us refused to adknowledge this issue, to even go near it. It's like this knot in our heart, or this question mark that we all thought is never gna see through. Whenever you try to bury it, it crawls out by itself every now and then. You know you can keep running away. But you also know that you can never keep running away.

It was all like surreal, bizzare. You think this is your game, you just appeared and pop by when you feel like. All these years, i'm so used to not having you. What makes you think I want you again(or not again since I never really had you) When it came, it was so foreign, so distance and you blame us for not replying you!?! What do you expect us to reply, " oh we miss you, we forgive you long time ago?" NOT!! I thought you could never surprise me more. But boy was I wrong! The most appalling thing from you must be judging me. Proud? Really? Dude where do you see that from?!? Do you even know me? I feel like saying, even if I am, so? At least i'm not heartless. I wanted to say, you made me this way. Ouch? I know right. It was what I was feeling. Yes, im amazed I feel hurt, even from a stranger.

Not only hurt, angry, sad, confused, lost, happy, scared, lost again. A little of all emotions, but all over the place. I dk know to handle this, I really dont. No one taught me. The question mark crawls out again, where were you?

It hurts me more to see everyone so affected. Slowly, unknowingly but significantly, you are breaking us up. Once again. Then I feel scared, you get people so attached to you, what if you leave again? Who is to pick up the pieces of a broken heart? Not you, us. Be strong for them, who is to be strong for me?

How do you make someone believe in smthg which you dont even believe in? I very much want to forgive you. I thought I alrdy might. Pls!! Who wouldnt want a picture perfect? But i'm just unwilling to take the next step. A BIG STEP, THE NEXT BIG MOVE. What will happened next? I hate changes, you'll never really know if it's good or bad. It's all about taking a risk. When it all boils dwn to it, scared again.

I really wanted it to be all a bad dream. Hate to feel so fucking raw.

2009-05-03T04:39:00.000-07:00

it is hard to adapt to changes.
esp just when i finally want you in my life
you walked out of it.
but i will try, i must be strong.

the first day without you

Long time no see

2009-03-28T03:38:00.000-07:00

G'day!

hahaha i know i know,
i havent been dng a proper post
other than just posting up random thoughts.
today something must have strike me,
i'm just so tempted to blog!!

Updates:
omg i am not even kidding,
till now im still not adjusted to jc life.
i can actually count the no of times i handed in assignments on time,
and not the other way round.
one assignment piled up on the other,
even the organiser that serene gave me have insufficent space :(
and then there's projects here and there.
wait, im not even counting my pw.
and then there's floorball,
which is seriously taking up a whole part of my life.
and is taking away my social life,
i have no life now.
not to forget the other distractions.
to me, they are major major major.
it sucks quite bad :(
sometimes i just feel like screaming
get out of my sight haha.

some long overdue pictures heh.

always the instigator hahah.

as we round the corner
to your house
you turned to me and said,
"i'll be going through withdrawal of you
for this one night we have spent."
and, i want to speak these words
but i guess i'll just bite my tongue,
and accept "someday, somehow"
as the words that we'll hang from.

and i (i..), i don't want to speak these words.
'cause i ('cause i..), i don't want to make things any worse.

why don't we hit restart,
and pause it at our favorite parts.
we'll skip the goodbyes.

2009-03-24T08:01:00.000-07:00

here's to a toast to eliza
of ending an ambiguous relationship.
she's tired.

2009-03-14T19:28:00.000-07:00

Haha, I just got punk'ed.
And I am pissed.

2009-03-14T11:41:00.000-07:00

Timecheck: 2.43am

I tossed and turned on my bed. Tonight seems to be a night that I can't sleep, and this havent happened in years. There's so many things running through my mind, memories flashing again and again, many unanswered questions.

2009-02-14T20:46:00.000-08:00

Just when I was wondering how my sister's valentine day went,
she walked in with two things i hate to see/recieve most..
TWO BROWN BEARS AND FLOWERS HAHAHAHHA.
Me: "Are these your valentine's day present?"
Sis: "Yup(umchio)
Me:" AWWW HE'S SO THOUGHTFUL.

Heng ah.

2009-02-06T22:52:00.000-08:00

Hello, orientation was really great.
Esp friday, screamed my lungs out.
Though there's like this mosquito bugging
HAHAHAHA.
The first few days I just wasn't used to
having guys walking around in my school.
I don't feel comfortable.
But now i feel better at it,
I even managed to talk to some of them.

My classmates are really nice, esp girls.

Bring on the day- 1st day in YJC

2009-02-03T07:48:00.000-08:00

LET ME EVALUATE MY FIRST DAY IN YJC

I totally forgotten it's adult fare. Wasted $. Minus 5
It took me exactly one hour to get there. Minus 15
The minute i stepped in, I was greeted by two stretches of red people. Kudos! Plus 8
But nobody told me where the hall is haha. Minus 2
Principal's speech is not very long. Plus 5
I think the OGL did well in their performance. Plus 10.Their houses name are too confusing. Minus 1
The canteen very hot alamak cannot tahan. Plus 10
They dont sell ice mountain there!! Minus 1
BUT GOT FRUIT JUICE VERY CHEAPCHEAPCHEAPPP. Plus 2
Love my OG. Plus 30
The college song is acceptable. Nice actually Plus 10
Alot of IJ girls ahem.
The OGLS belly velly nice.Plus 20
I managed to find another road home!! LESS THAN 30 MINS.Plus 25

Okay that's all for now. I really wanna continue but I've schl tmrw. Better go sleep!

2009-01-29T08:23:00.000-08:00

I felt that everytime i get this close, you'd mess it up.
Beware.

Good day people, i had a blast with my family and
friends during the CNY period. Alot of bonding and
catching up. Saw buds that I haven't seen for the
longest time. It's all good babeh.

Tmrw will be the release of posting.
The moment of truth.

2009-01-16T05:37:00.000-08:00

You can't get the good of both sides.
I'm swearing on my ten toes,
never to work for cocoa trees again.

THE BIG O

2009-01-12T03:45:00.000-08:00

A day like this is something I wouldn't want anymore.
Once in a lifetime is enough to make me remember for life.
I swear whatever happened was beyond description.
The atmosphere and emotions you felt at certain specific times.
When people come telling you what they've heard..
When you hear the announcement over the PA system..
When you make your way to the hall..
When you have to hear those briefing..(and it's like
so near yet so far!)
When siew choo flashed the overall results..
When the one before you took hers..
I had my heart both pounding hard and nearly stopping

About how I did..
as much as I felt lucky enough to pull through,
I actually was ashamed and disappointed.
Like my chinese was still a 2.
I honestly didn't expect that =(
There were some pleasant surprise,
some disappointments.
Disappointment being, I didn't excel those I normally
excelled in.
That really sucks.
BUT on a whole, though i know i could
have done better, I think im still fortunate.

5 years ago, there was a choice for me.
Express and slog your ass off,
or NA- the slower pace
5 years later, another same dilemma.

My future is in my hands.

A taste of my own alcohol

2009-01-09T08:10:00.000-08:00

Angeline's party was pretty crazy.
Today i really got hanged upside down.
Weird that I was the only one.
And then I had a fever,
so im skipping work tmrw.
Jasmine is taking over,
70 bucks flew to her pockets haha.
But i'm really glad that she helped,
thanks darling =D
You've really been a great help this time.

Whatever happened is probably something
that I can take it out and laugh about it in the future.
But def not now. With the bad hangover,
I feel like I never wanna touch those thing again.
But i know there's always a next time.
Just not anytime soon.

I didn't go home in the morning as planned,
I seek refuge at Jasmine's house.
Omg, it was really bad.
I needed SOS.
I thought of going to the doctor,
but I imagined them saying,
"you brought it upon yourself"
Afterall, it's not like I was sick and could play a victim.
And it is true to some extent.
So being in both a christian and catholic school before,
my first instinct is to pray and to seek god.
Not my usual guanyinmama lol.
I drift into unconsciousness for awhile and i really felt
better after that.
So really, thank god.
Omg the fever must have damaged my brain because this usually
dont come from me.
I usually leave these things to my faithful friends like Demelza,Angeline,Serene,Livia to praise the lord.
Hahaha, imagine jasmine's face now.

Everytime i screwed up,
I have my friends to be there for me.
So i took that as an advantage and just wanna have more,
knowing they would take care of me.
And just let my hair down.
I forgot that they wanna do the same too.

And each morning when I was sober,
I feel so helpless being so useless the previous night.
I could only msg them to express my sorry and thanks.

And I just wanna say it one more time here,
Thanks to everyone yesterday that tried to help
in one way or another.
Esp to Serene,Jasmine,Desmond,Kang,Karmun,Jasteo,Amanda.
My memories yesterday consisted of you all mainly.
Special shoutout to Karmun because I remembered kicking her face.
And D my bff( HAHAHA I REMEMBER), things without you yesterday
would be so mundane. We're all in this together everytime.

Big L for you Eliza.

2009-01-06T09:33:00.000-08:00

My sister said,
it's either you are excited
or you feel fear over your results.
When you're excited, it means
you are pretty confidence of yourself.
When you fear, the future is more or less..bleak
Dont try to doubt her,
she's been through it.
She took psychology in NUS.

How about I am consumed with fear?
Fuck.

12 January'09, here you come.
The suspense is killing me. The waiting is soon to be over.

2009-01-04T09:10:00.000-08:00

Today's highlight of the day must be me tearing
a $50 dollar note into one stripe while i was working.
My first natural reaction:
OPEN MY MOUTH, WIDEN MY EYE.
The nyonya auntie,(aka fairy godmother) came to my rescue
and fixed the problem.Now it looks nearly perfect. Heng ah.

I have been working at Tiong Bahru for 2 consecutive days
with Cassandra.Today i blew my top at her. Not those violent volcanic
eruption, the silent ones. Apparently she touched my things.
Without permission.
She answered my phone call without me giving the green light.
The funniest thang is LIMBU INFRONT OF HER.
Instead of telling me, she self service.
That's like really the death penalty for me because I really don't
like people to go through my stuff without permission.
I'd feel intervened and lose my little privacy.
But then again, I think i over reacted because she only know
me for 2 days and probably dont know i mind it so much.
I felt bad so I gave her my share of starburst at the end of the day lol.

My first day of 09 had been so unkind.
It was disastrous.
Due to my lack of sleep since i partied till morning,
(And i am suspecting those alcohols,)
I puked on my way to work.
And my head was about to split into 3.
Haha, the sales that day was super bad.
I still told the girls,
" Tmrw will be such a good start in 09 because Im going
to be the leader."
Good start my backside.
Shouldnt have work that day,
but then again, why say no to money?

This is so yesterday but i wanna talk about Christmas
exchange. This time the gifts were really practical.
Im using your organiser now S!
There's like investment portfolio, financial summary
and performance analysis HAHAHA very useful.
A got mine and she appeared to like it alot.
Birthday present dont need to give alrdy la!

Speaking of which..
Angeline's Hip Hop 18th is coming!
Are you imvited?
HAHAHAHA.

2008-12-20T07:39:00.001-08:00

To do list
1. Buy Christmas presents
2. Buy Birthday present
3. Clear wardrobe
5. Go to cd store and preorder leehom's album before it gets wipe out.
6. Force the xiao mi jiu down all my friends throat.(it's rotting at home)
7. Do up taiwan blog post
8. Ketchap with friends
9. Do up christmas list(i have been a good kid, santa come find me)

Okay. I have some updates.
I am back in cocoa trees.
It all happened when I was still jobless despite
the multiple applications i sent in. And before
i wallow myself in self pity, ta dah aunty j msged me,
asking me if im interested to wrk. Truth is, no.
But i'm interested in the money, so i agreed.
Second day of work saw me making so many foolish mistakes
infront of the boss, untill i can sense his eyes on me.
I bet he thinks little of me.
I never felf so worthless and useless before.
Even Audrey performs better than me. Sigh.
That night i felt alone.

But still, I'm glad I went to Singapore Press Holdings
and saw what it was like.
I want to work there in the future.
And i'm looking forward to work with D on tues!
It's going to be one hell of a crazy day.

Btw, JC works there too!
I honestly got a shock.
My first question was "omg, what are you doing here?!"
Second was" How much are you paid ah?" HAHAHA
And I met my pri school friend, Vanessa.
That smart ass got back into st nicks,
so I didnt want to talk to her much.
Haha, nope i'm just kidding. No time.

You must be wondering,
whatever happens to ice cream seller.
Well, it turns out to be disastrous.
I fell once while trying to carry the damn trolley
down the stairs, my buttocks landed on the floor.
D and I had a near-death experience at the lift.
Encountered a few freaky homes. Lights off, Door slightly closed,
but not closed, leaving you this hole which you can peer through,
A pair of slippers outside.. The thought of it just made my haif stand
I destroyed my manicure while doing this.
Doors slam in our face.
I got so fed up i even BS my friends.
After putting up with so much nonsense,
we only got 11 bucks each. 4 freaking hours.
He's a conman.
Def a first and last time.

Christmas is coming,
wishlist?
Materialstuff aside,
I really wish our little j can win back her prince.
And a part of me still wishes that I could
bump into snail boy someday.
(And no, D's yearbook is not helping =()
He's really a good laugh.
My house's shorter-than-me-christmas-tree is not up yet.
oooh oooh.

2008-12-15T08:43:00.000-08:00

Just a random thought.
Funny how after few years,
everything is back to square one,
all grown up but people don't change,
feelings don't change.
Everyone was just pretending.
This is something shocking,
I need to take a deep breathe.

So i've watched twilight.
I was wrong when i said Edward was ugly.
Sorry I suck back my words.
Edward is..charming.
He's not really the drop dead gorgeous kind
but he got hotter and hotter by the minute.
I don't know when(but def not his glitter body,
it makes me laugh) and how,
but the way he looked/stared/gazed at bella is attractive.
And I have a crush on his dad.
So overall, it was satisfactory.
Amanda wants to watch it again,
despite watching it 5 or 6 times alrdy.
She is obsessed.

To the organisers,
thanks for trying your best to make it possible,
and saving us such good seats :)

Tmrw I'm going to zhng my stuff with D!
And doing my first job of the year,
Ice-cream seller.
Yeah. Sounds promising man.

My next post must be the taiwan trip.
I have so much fun i cannot let those memories slip away.

2008-12-06T03:05:00.000-08:00

vb hi everyone(if there is even any), i know i haven't been blogging and it seems that my life is mundane..
but don't be fooled plenty of things have been happening
birthday.chalet.dance.plbt farewell.sentosa.ton.shopping.bitching.prom.gathering.
I kinda lost count, and dont know which is which first.
I'm not going to blog about it, but probably just post some of these events.
As the saying goes, pictures speaks a thousand words. Since i dont have a thousand wrds with me, I'll let the picture speak for itself.

Jia's Retro Birthday Party' 08

foursome'06

foursome ' 08

kohteoliuang'06

kohteoliuang'08

kohkohpops'06

kohkohpops'08

We've all grown up, haven't we?

Class chalet

Prom'08( Got this from others, haven't upload mine so it's limited)

Sentosa '08

2008-11-12T23:48:00.000-08:00

LEE HOM'S MUSIC-MAN CONCERT 1st November 08

1st November 08 was such a big day to all the lee hom's fans in singapore. Or those who bought his tickets and just want to listen to music and rock and roll with this music-man.And oh yes, you didn't see wrongly. It was in the midst of our O's. Upon hearing about his concert in sg, the frenzied fan-girls behaviours in us had alrdy come out of their shelf and long surpass the rational side. Ok la, We did weigh out the pros and cons, but decided to go with our instinct after one second haha. Yes, nothing could really stop us from going to see that man, not even when he robbed me of the whole lot of my savings.

So my companions for that night was Angeline, Laurel, Dian and Sharon. Haha all of them apparently are really hardcore and die hard fans.

Saturday saw me going to meet Laurel first in cine. Angeline went for church and Dian had to judge sharon's bf HAHA. Honestly i had a small panic attack because I had had like 2 live interactions with her. ONLY. THAT'S ALL. One was like 2 december 07 and the other one was the making payment day. Like, what if we have nothing to talk about at all and she's cranky and all or like emo, anti social.. I'm going to have dinner alone with a girl I barely know! But thank god, we clicked immediately, the same frequency kind. And it's really the common passion for hom and the excitement for the day that keeps us going. After a rough dinner i felt like I've known this girl for long alrdy. She was suppose to analyse if Jc or Poly was better, to enlighten me or smthg. But in the end, more damage was done lol. Everything was going cool, was just chilling out until Angeline came. Haha, omg she was alrdy so high. And after 5 minutes, they can alrdy wrk hand in hand and tease me like mad.

Headed down to Singapore Indoor Stadium. The bus was flooded with people. And then we were just talking and then out of the blue, we heard " LEEHOM" from behind. Searched frantically for the person and was really glad that someone in the bus was probably heading the same place as us. BUT LATER WHEN REACHED INDOOR STADIUM MACHIAM HALF THE BUS GOT DOWN. HAHAHA. And then we saw like a whole lot of crowd swarming outside stadium. Angeline said worse than FOP, i say we underestimated leehom's charisma!

We walked towards the stadium and Starhub was giving out free whistles to everybody. Then we walked in finding our seats. Frankly, getting at most expensive tickets(198) and with priority seats, I still thought PA-1 row 14 was quite far. Haha. The other fan club members were sitting at least a few rows in front. We settled down and was greeted by Bahamut. ( you know how every super hero got their secret weapon to aid them? Music man's weapon was Bahamut, a dragon shaped elec guitar) The $40000 guitar was just hanging high up in mid air. My excitement was about to explode.

(from kewei's blog, leehom's backup singer, singapore talent)

on closer inspection, forty thousand dont play play.

the crowd and spot kit chan!

Diane and Sharon joined us and we all made a mess while we put on out PERMANENT TATOOS LOL. Soon, the lights dimmed and the people in PA-1 all stood up and screamed. The bands and back up singers came out and more screams! Finally, the concert started with a short comic flick on cartoon music-man, played on a four storey high LCD screen.

started the concert with a slow rendition of "what's wrong with me"

Descended in this spaceship look-alike. Totally despise the V-neck thing on him. Look as if music man was injured and he had to have the cast around him. Thank god he took down. At this time i should be jumping and screaming like no body's business. And my ears were deaf by the deafening sound of whistle.

Next up was the rock version of W-H-Y and Hua Tian Cuo and Heirs of dragon. Loving the visual and lightings of Heir of dragon the best! It was really fresh to hear new arrangement from old songs.

the lighting is enough to blind you. But i'm loving it!

He came towards the audience when he was singing forever love. WAH TYPICAL SINGAPOREAN TRAITS ALL UNLEASHING ITSELF. Everyone chiong infront like there's no tmrw. I feel so bad for the first rowwww. But ironically, I was one of them HAHAHA! We formed a small mosh pit there and kind of didnt went back since. So in the end, from row 14, I managed to me in the third row HAHAHA. Double shiokness!

Not forgetting his occasional teasing.
" The next song..the next song I'm going is sing is in.. ( SCREAMS! ALL THOUGHT GNG TO SING ENG)..Chinese!!(give cheeky smile) $&#(^$@*#&

This rock and roll concert also comes with a little bit of magic, whereby the Change me band( which was basically 4 leehoms naming xiao wang, xiao li, xiao hong and wang lee hong) all came out on stage performing. Xiao Li came out first introducing the band, he then did a solo which afterwards, the lights dim and xiao hong came out. Slowly, one by one, everyone was up there performing! Some said only the one singing is truly leehom, others said there was a switch when the lights dim. Music man became magic man.

What's a Music-Man concert without fishing out all his ballads like Forever Love, Ai Cuo, The First Morning, You're not here, A simple song. My favourite one must be Can you feel my world, when he had his heart to heart talk with us, saying that it's hard to live up to everyone's expectations, and he had to keep up with his image and nothing else. And everyone thinks that his carrer was just like so smooth sailing, ( which he rebuked by saying "that's crap!")At that point of time, he was so raw and vulnerable.

He did another magic trick for Zai Mei Bian whereby he was performing on stage and then later went into a box, when the dancers opened up the box right after he went in, he disappeared. 2 seconds later he was at the 2nd storey and teases them " Never thought this would be the best seat eh?" He sang heroes of earth through his way up on stage, but was having difficulty because of all the touching and sqeezing. Ask for trouble only la he HAHAHA.

He did a dance solo. It was so dorky and cute i'd give anything to watch him dance again.

He played, elec, base, drums, piano and not forgetting violin on that night. Love his violin, it was so smoothing.

Ended off the concert with all time karaoke favourite, kiss goodbye. Encore came, everyone was high, Hom came up with open your heart and Ai ni deng yu ai zi ji. He was so highhhh!

leehom: zilizibitizibite
me: wtf was that? (stunned)
HAHAHAHA my reaction.

Gosh, look at him!

Leehom who brought all of us tgt

LJS supper

After writing this, I am super drained out and sucked dry. But really, this concert was amazing, really a blast. I stood from song one till it ended. Most of us there did. The atmosphere was really good. I'm going to rate it like 4.5/5. The 0.5 comes from the spoilt LCD screen and some songs which i really wanted hom to sing, like out song.. But all the improvision here and there, esp big city small love really melt me down man lol.

Who is up with me for the next hom's concert?

Next post: Jia's retro party 08!

2008-11-03T06:04:00.000-08:00

Okay, so it was agreed that everyone starts a blog. Because if we're too busy for each other, we would still be updated about one another's life! Hahaha, let me start the ball rolling then. And of course, my first virginity post would be dedicated to leehom's musicman concert 2008.

ps: honestly i dont know why everything is in chinese. 我的简介 and 跟踪者 somemore, wth. somebody help!